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The Ultimate Sexual Secret No-One Ever Told You

The Secret Path to get the Most that you can out of your Sex-Life

We all know the story of the sperm and the egg, but what did they omit to tell us in school?  What is the secret to getting good sex and to enjoying good sex, to having an enjoyable and healthy sex life?

Living in the age of ‘Sexual Liberation’ has its pitfalls.  Women are complaining that men are violating them, many are failing to orgasm, on the other hand men are worrying that they will come too quickly, worrying about the different positions, if you are doing it right.

The first thing I want to tell you about sex, is relax, it’s there to enjoy. Relax; really, it’s fundamental.  Because you can’t enjoy sex if you are not relaxed and in the present, and if you are not in this state you will not know what to do.

There is so much anxiety built up around sex, associations with disease, abortion, pregnancy, rape accusations and failure, it’s not surprising you feel anxious.  In a society that loves to build up fear around things, our society has built up incredible amounts of fear around what is a completely natural part of us.

So how can you possibly relax?  Getting stressed about sex can happen to anyone.  How is it possible to relax?  The first thing is to breathe, breathe and go slow.  Let’s take it back to your first meeting, your first interaction, because it all starts at that point.

A major cause of premature ejaculation in men is that the man stressed and then he speeds up.  You can also do the opposite, breathe, slow down and take control.

What are you thinking?  What is driving you?  Are you feeling connected?  Is it possible for you to feel connected or are you feeling an overwhelming drive of sexual frustration, an urge to release, to get on with it, to have your moment of bliss?

There can be aspects of both, but often we find we are predominantly in one or the other.  Connection is a vital aspect of human interaction that means that we just know what to do because there is an unspoken communication between our bodies. 

The place where you are here is important.  The main secret to good sex is to create intimacy.  Intimacy is connection; it’s a connection with the eyes, the heart, and the soul.  Intimacy is being able to talk, to open your mouth and your Heart, and to share what you really feel.  It’s something beautiful to experience.  It’s a place to stop and enjoy for as long as you want.

That’s why some people have great sex and some people don’t.  Intimacy and connection is something that you create together.  It’s about looking in the eyes but it’s also about connecting from the Heart, being present with the person, having empathy and feeling them.

Without connection, sex becomes an animalistic drive to orgasm, release and finally relax, all the tension gone.  The tension you never even needed to feel if you went slow and had the connection.  Is this the ultimate sexual experience that you can have?  Or is it the bare minimum?

Go slow, and be present with them.  Breathe and feel each other, slowly tune into each other’s energy.  Wait until you feel that connection.  Speak with each other, and speak honestly.  Even the things you are afraid to say.

Is this a human being in front of you or an object that is here for you to pleasure yourself on, to consume?

At the point of connection you will know if they are right for you.  Not everyone is compatible to the other.  You just will feel it.  What if you feel things are not right? 

You still can develop friendship, you can learn about yourself and you can start to examine the process of why you felt attracted to this person and then changed your mind.  It’s still an opportunity for you to learn

Making the connection has a bearing on many part of the sexual relationship.  As well as knowing if the person is really right for you it helps you to:

  • Avoid any allegations of unwanted sexual advances or abuse.  If you are connected you will intuitively know what the person wants, you will not rush in for you own pleasure ignoring what they might want
  • When you are connected you move together like a dance, instinctively know what the other wants.  You don’t need to worry that things won’t go right, because they will flow.
  • Connection and intimacy makes sex so much more fun, it opens you up to new levels of experience and it means that you can really be yourself.

I totally understand if you are reading this and you wonder, how is it possible to connect, have intimacy.  Maybe you thought that intimacy meant to have sex.  It doesn’t.  Intimacy means to be close, and you can have sex without intimacy but where does it leave you?

Intimacy and connection is what we first experience with our mothers at birth, through breast-feeding and being held by our mother.  But what if we didn’t feel that connection with our mother?  Chances are you will not even remember about that but it will leave an imprint on your ability to connect and feel one with another, which means your ability to enjoy great sex.

Does the idea of connecting with someone scare you?  How can this be the case when human connection is the most natural thing, something that everyone around us is doing, is having?

There can come a point that we switch off, let go of the desire to connect, and settle for less.  We settle to porn, sex toys, for a one-night stand or an evening with an escort.  Because the pain of the original disconnection from mother is felt again, and with no understanding of the cause, it can be overwhelming.

Especially for men it can be so difficult to deal with.  This original disconnection leads to anxiety around intimacy and sex and leads to sexual problems.

I have an enormous amount of clients with premature ejaculation, and this is a distressing condition that doctors do not understand and cannot treat.  The average length of lasting for most men is under 10 minutes, and this is not enough time to enjoy, it turns something amazing into a brief encounter that leaves you drained and unfulfilled.

Ejaculation is a result of stress, it’s literally a flight or fight response.  I notice the same pattern with all my clients with PE, they get close, they start to stress, they want to hurry, and then it’s all over too quickly.

In terms of erectile dysfunction, this is also a stress response.  It is the same with vaginal dryness and anorgasmia in women.  It’s the stress, the speed, the finish, and the lack of fulfillment.

For those of us who experienced and suffer from the loss of connection, it will be hard to have a fulfilling sexual life.  I speak for myself here, because there was a point I could never orgasm in sex.  It was painful to be close to someone and I would usually drink before having sex, to avoid the feeling of the disconnection from mother coming back.

Of course I did not understand what was happening, because I was not in a state of consciousness about what was happening to me.  I was not conscious about my sexual energy, my sexuality, and my sexual self.

I knew I was not getting the sex I wanted and that it was affecting my quality of life, but I felt powerless to do anything?  Does that sound familiar?

What I realized was that sex was more than just a rush, a buzz, a commodity to be bought and sold.  A lover was not just there for me to pleasure myself on.  They were a person like me, and like me they had their journey, their joy and their pain.

Starting to acknowledge this was a painful experience.  I realized that there was rarely a time in my life I had sex sober.  That although I had loved my partners, there was a lack of connection because I was afraid to go back into the pain of the disconnection from my mother; that I didn’t know what to do about it.

Sex was an opportunity for me to develop myself and to get over this old wounding from my childhood.  I had a chance to find that connection I had lost and to re-establish it.  Intimacy is connection and it’s something we can learn and practice with anyone.  When we open our hearts to our friends and speak honestly, we start to create intimacy and connection.  We start to heal the wounds that resulted from the original disconnection and we develop ourselves.  Most importantly we learn how to be intimate.

Sex is more than a mundane rubbing of body parts together, a release of energy to quiet a stressed mind.  Sex is so much more than what we were sold, and what on the large part, we have bought.

Our sexual natures challenge us; they put us into places where we have to develop.  It can be painful.  In fact it is painful.  It's like running a marathon.  But the benefits are enormous.

When we open up to what sex truly is, we are able to experience it in all it's glory.  That means, relax, to be in the present, let go and connect.  We can have the orgasms we want at the right time, we don’t need to worry that we will be good enough.  Because when we connect, when we truly are there, in the present, relaxed, and open to the experience, it all can happen.

Jade Lotus is a therapist, sexual coach, Tantra Educator and a Chi Kung and Meditation teacher.  She works with her clients to allow them to experience and open up to true intimacy, so that they can truly experience their sexual energy to it's full potential.